3 Ways to Counter Someone’s Demeaning "Gotchas!” (2024)

“Gotcha!” is the colloquial expression for “got you.” According to various dictionaries, its one—and only—positive meaning is “I understand [i.e., ‘get’] what you just communicated to me.”

Other meanings, and several of them exist, lack any such favorable connotation. These “gotchas” have in common they’re all addressing their recipient disparagingly. Designed to publicly trick an individual and expose them to ridicule, they signify deception. And that makes them uncharitable. Or worse, mean-spirited.

But before discussing the uncomplimentary interpersonal ramifications of the term, it might be mentioned that gotcha has been employed to refer negatively not just to people but to things, particularly ads. The Urban Dictionary points out its use to call attention to “an annoying or unfavorable feature of a product or item that has not been fully disclosed or is not obvious”—as in, “The new camera takes excellent photos, but one major gotcha is its slow processing time.” Or take Merriam-Websters’s example: “The gotcha in the low monthly rate quoted by the cable company is that it is a teaser and good for only six months.”

Getting back to how the term is is used specifically between humans, Merriam-Webster concisely sums up its different but interrelated features by describing it as “an unexpected usually disconcerting challenge, revelation, or catch. Also, an attempt to embarrass, expose, or disgrace someone (such as a politician).” And the Cambridge Dictionary, focusing even more on the hostile motives of the sender, notes that it’s “to surprise or frighten someone you have caught, or to show that you have an advantage over them.”

Collins English Dictionary contributes yet another dimension to the vindictively perverse aspects of gotchas by adding “expressing delight [my emphasis] at having beaten, caught, or tricked someone,” offering as an example: “Gotcha, didn’t I?” Or, coming from a third person, “He gotcha, Helen, give the boy credit.” (Talk about making someone feel compromised by slyly insinuating they got what they deserved.)

So how do you protect yourself from such devious acts of verbal exploitation? Clearly you’ve immediately been elbowed one-down following this kind of unwelcome power ploy. Consequently, how do you counter it—or at least remove some of its venom? A snickering, indecorous quality almost always typifies gotchas. So once you’re reasonably confident that the person’s motive was derogatory, it’s essential that your response take this “the-laugh’s-on-you” remark assertively into account. After all, this isn’t a time to be silent, and so capitulate to the person’s desire to “get” the better of you.

Here are 3 effective ways to respond to a person’s “gotcha!”—to disempower them from disempowering you:

1. Don’t react. As it’s prudent not to give bullies the satisfaction of reacting defensively to their verbal abuse and taunting gestures, it’s also not wise to defend yourself to the person sneakily seeking to gain advantage over you. If you allow them to engage with you on their own terms, you’ve already forfeited your personal power to them. That’s why it’s so important to condition yourself not to permit others to push your buttons.

Basically, you’ve been placed in a Catch-22 situation—damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And the only way to escape that situation is to detour around it. Don’t “dignify” what they’re saying by offering any resistance. Remember, no one can put you on the defensive—or make you feel defensive—without your consent. And although their gotcha may have been completely unanticipated, such that you don’t have a ready-made answer for it, that doesn’t mean you can’t afford yourself as much time as required to process their opportunistic put-down message until you contrive how to let it bounce off you. (As in, “consider the source.”) Sometimes the best, and maybe easiest thing to do is to make believe you never even heard them and continue your conversation unimpeded by their gotcha. That, too, will rob them of any gratification of having “gotten” to you.

2. Call them out, or put it back on them. The one thing they’re not expecting is for you to respond to their oblique claim of superiority by addressing why in this particular way they felt compelled to point out your error—or, more generally, personality flaw. You might well have been guilty of an oversight or acted culpably. But still, to call attention to it through a gotcha indicates that they may be harboring resentment, jealousy, or some hard-to-define ill will toward you. And straightforwardly confronting them about their motive will put them on the defensive and diminish their immediate psychic advantage over you.

Matter-of-factly requesting more information from them “calls them out.” For if they’re willing to provide the evidence behind their gotcha, they’re not only on the defensive but may also struggle to expand on the foundation for the negative belief(s) precipitating their demeaning characterization.

3. Validate their viewpoint. They may be stealthily pointing out something about you that, indeed, is questionable. In all probability, however, it’s not that shameful either. We all have our failings, and to the degree we can own up to them—without, that is, needing to experience ourselves as defective—the possible enmity behind the other person's gotcha will be challenged. In freely saying, “Yes, I get it, and it’s something I'm aware I need to work on. And I don’t have a problem with anyone’s letting me know about it either. I’m still a little curious, though, about why you couldn’t have brought this up earlier, or in a more direct way, rather than doing a ‘gotcha.’ That felt rather condescending. Is there something about “catching” me doing something wrong that’s fun for you? Maybe we should both be laughing now?”

A bit sarcastic? Well, possibly, yes. But the main thing is that it weakens any snide pleasure they might perversely be enjoying by correcting you in this underhanded way.

Falling into the “gotcha trap” so that you’re actually enabling the other person to empower themselves at your expense is inevitable unless you employ a stratagem that outsmarts their own. And such maneuvering can take some mental rehearsal on your part, so that eventually it becomes an intrinsic part of your behavioral repertoire.

But if a conflict-avoiding habit of people-pleasing or passivity has been a problem for you in the past, do consider it. For it may well be worth the effort.

© 2020 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.